What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
