Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
