Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
