elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
