All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Nicole vs. Life
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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