the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
