if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
