i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
