Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
