just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
