Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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