what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
