was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
