i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Is it because I queefed?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
