You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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