I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
