If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
