I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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