I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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