I wish you could order shots online.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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