i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
