Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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