Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
