you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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