just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just blew my weed a kiss
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
