Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
