i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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