once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
