WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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