Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
