apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
