Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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