Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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