my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
