The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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