i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
