Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
time to smoke my breakfast
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
