K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
