Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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