I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
