Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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