dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
