Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
