I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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