In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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