booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
