Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
