I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
