I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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