A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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