I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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