Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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