Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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