He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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