I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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