wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
did you just send me my own nude
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
