So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
