It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
