You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
